Today's seminar was about Economics, measuring society by its developments as well as its failures. We learnt that through Manfred Max- Neef's eyes about barefoot economics, how we need to learn to understand people before we move forward.
We also learnt about a woman called Carol Gillagan, who have a talk about having a voice and 'shifting the power paradigm'.
During the seminar we were instructed to fill out our papers with our fears and desires, things that we would never show anyone else. I dug down deep, listing off at least 11 of my deepest fears and desires, many of them to do with obtaining happiness. Each sentence had to begin with 'I'm...' Which made me feel pretty peculiar as I don't really enjoy focusing on myself that often of fear of upsetting myself somehow.
We were then asked to write down one worry and one hope for the future.
I genuinely surprised myself at how depressing I can be as both my worry and my hope for the future related to my obtaining of genuine happiness. For life to be just a little better than I expected, or even dare to hope it would.
Letting myself open up like that I leant that maybe it is a good idea to become more personal with my work this year. I never truly let myself go too far of fear of opening up too much to others. I have this weird feeling I get when I open up I feel like I'm being selfish or fishing for attention, so I hate myself for having any type of emotion that isn't happy.
I'm starting to realize that isn't exactly good for my health... or my happiness.
In the last 30 minutes of the lecture the screen was filled with random notes from other people expressing their hopes and worries from last year. I focused my attention on then realizing most of the notes worried about their future in the course and in a job.
Deep inside, I know my biggest fear is becoming a part of the real word, finding a job and having to go through the anxiety of interviews. If it were up to me I'd become a lamppost or something and genuinely be happy with my existence of watching the sun setting every night, never going after anything more than peacefulness in my life.
Ay, but there's the rub, as life isn't about having peace, it's about all the pain and suffering along the way that sculps you into someone that has found peace.
...maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but I can't help but feel terrified.
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