I've started to look at myself more, paint myself more... maybe it's because I have no-one else to paint, being in lockdown and all...but whatever.
I've always been terrified of using myself as my own focal matter, too afraid I would come off as narcissistic. There is no reason for me to think this, when other artists paint themselves I find it so curious to see how they all view themselves in their minds eye. Though for me, I consider it wrong... probably some deep down hidden trauma that I don't understand.
However, I want to change this, maybe even cure this stigma in my brain while I'm at it.
So, I started to paint myself, but only roughly:
This was a very quick sketch that only really took a few seconds of looking in the mirror, but for some reason I couldn't find myself pressing 'delete'.
Instead I took this sketch and put text over it, text I've been thinking about for a very long time:
I feel like trauma, depression or any type of mental or physical pain has been Romanianized throughout media and throughout many decades. Maybe even too much to the point where we start to crave it... we all remember the day 'that person' came in with a cast and for some reason craved the attention given from one of our own. It's sad, but it's true, we crave attention like it is air...but can I really blame humanity for that?
I mean attention makes us feel good, wanted, accepted, cared for... is there anything really wrong about that?
So I continued:
And continued:
I don't really know why I couldn't stop, but it felt good, Like I was getting all my anger out.
For so long I have bullies myself over attention, pride, popularity, when really, it's human... all these things have made me grow into a person that doesn't need to express my trauma to gain sympathy, but to be complete in my own company and self-assurance.
Slowly, I'm starting to enjoy the process of painting me.
Comentários