I hate self-portraits... especially this one...
For months I have been trying to make this piece acceptable, but I find that whatever I do, I still end up hating it.
It's because I can see my face, and I don't want to appear big headed.
Although If anyone else was to do a self-portrait, I wouldn't bat an eye. For some reason I place these extreme expectations on myself, where whatever I do needs to be torn apart, otherwise it won't be good enough.
I wish I knew what kind of art to make to get a good grade, because I would just make it. As to me, all I care about right now is a grade to impress my family. I've never been smart and there is always something holding me back, but I've always wanted to be the best.
Ironically this is what this painting is all about...
I see myself as my worst enemy, this self-portrait is a version of myself that claws for acceptance when really she's a monster, manufactured by all that is material and fake. She is a cyborg of me and my unrelenting agony to make something of myself, yet already failing at doing so. I felt shame when I painted this and I feel shame now looking at it. I want to cover up my face, but why should I?
Yet, I still know that I will cover myself.
Because it'll drag down my grade...
It's funny, I myself want a good grade, but very thing dragging my grade down is in fact me.
And that really gets me down.
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